Want to write an essay for the left, but not sure how to go about doing it? Don't worry, we're scientific materialists, and as such, we've got screed writing down to a science. Take five minutes to choose one option from each of the following pull down menus:
Introductory Dead Theorist: This will frame your argument in your particular strand of ideology. Choosing two is always encouraged!
(Marx, Hegel, Freud, Kant, Nietszche, Engels [separate from Marx FTW], Spinoza)
Straw Man: These people are clearly idiots! Choose one of each for maximum effect.
(Anarchist [Debord, Bakunin, Stirner, Proudhon], Capitalist [Fukuyama, Reagan, Clinton, Thatcher] Communist [Mao, Stalin, Che])
Cultural Analogy: This will make you cool with the kids.
(Punk Rock lyric, Godard film, Brecht reference, five year old Hollywood movie)
Pull Through 'Current' Theorist: This person ideally modifies and improves upon your introductory theorist. Bonus points if you can make an oblique connection between the two!
(Foucault, Althusser, Badiou, Lenin, Zizek, Lacan, Trotsky, Mcluhan, Hardt + Negri)
Historical Leftist Event: This will show your historical knowledge, your sympathy with the cause, and give you an area in which to critique events and explain how you would do better!
(Paris Commune, 1848, French Revolution, May '68, Battle of Seattle, Russian Revolution, Cuban Revolution, The New Deal, 1905, Haitian Revolution)
Current Medium of Alienation: Which one really best reflects capitalist control, do you think? It doesn't matter, they all do! But focus on one so people know you're serious.
(Social Media, Cell Phones, 'The Internet', Television, Advertisement, News Media)
Buzzword: This is what, ultimately, it's really ALL ABOUT, summed up in a single word.
(Alienation, Globalization, Exploitation, Class War, Empire, Revolution)
Current Event that Instigated This Serious and Timely Essay: _____________________________
Once you've filled out these forms, click submit, give your credit card information (for a one-time charge of fifteen dollars) and in ten-fifteen minutes our staff of highly educated unemployable leftists will provide you with an essay to your exact specifications, which is yours to publish anywhere people aren't paid for writing.
The Leftist Essay Internationale