Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Which Leftist Deviation is For You?

Feel like you're probably against Capitalism, but not really sure which ideological subject position most thoroughly matches your brand? Don't worry! We here at Wasted Ideology Inc™ know a thing or two about matching wayward comrades with their hyper-specific leftist worldview of choice. Just read the following strategic guidelines out loud, and discover which one feels most genuine in your mouth! We can do this together!

Democratic Socialist: "Can't we just be calm and reasonable and talk this thing over?" 

Pacifist/Non-Violence Ideologue: "We're using the power of our bodies and our silence to speak truth to power, so sit down and shut up!"

Socialist (unaffiliated): "The only real struggle that can lead to victory is in the labor movement, under the leadership of a unified socialist Party!"

Socialist (affiliated): "The only real struggle that can lead to victory is in the labor movement, under the leadership of a unified socialist Party! That's why we divided, in the infamous Madison conference debacle, I'm sure you know all about it but just in case...""

Trotskyist (unaffiliated): "The working class must be made stronger by a wise Party leadership! One that is accountable to the higher up members of said party, assuming of course control by majority except in extraordinary circumstances..."

Trotskyist (affiliated): "The front organization meeting went great! All seven of our speakers were applauded and we sold 3 papers."

Leninist: "We must all unify! Forward comrades! Fall in rank behind us! We'll deal with all you counter-revolutionary deviationist scum after victory!"

Stalinist: "Defend Mubarak, Assad, Gaddafi, and other socialist leaders from Western imperialism!"

Maoist: "Sacrifice, discipline, a total devotion to the cause! Give yourself entirely to the struggle! All struggles are one struggle!"

Platypus: "Derp." 

Accelerationist: "We must speed up the future to enhance the contradictions. We must all become Jamie Dimon!"

Communization: "The immanent materialization of the international proletariat will also be the moment of its abolishment!"

Occupier/Horizontalism Fetishist: "This incredibly boring General Assembly prefigures a world entirely organized by impossibly boring General Assemblies!"

Anarcho-Syndaclist: "One big union! All control to the workers! Only from the workers' councils will we find freedom!"

Post-structuralist Anarchist: "Only in the upending of our subjectivities through lines of total desire will the conditions of possibility for actual unification/disunification emerge!"

Tiqqunist/Insurrectionary Anarchist: "The willing of our individuation into myriad opacities will achieve victory in the totalizing pleasures of the riot!"

Individualist Anarchist: "Let's fuck shit up!"

Nihilist Anarchist: "This skyline will look so beautiful on fire."

We hope this simple guide will help you make up your mind. Of course, we're leaving out a lot of subject positions. Please leave your favorites in the comments!

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