Monday, May 16, 2011

'America, The Beautiful' Just Feels Quaint

So we here at W.I Enterprises and Associates Inc. LLC decided we would produce some potential new slogans for the greatest country on earth.

America: Making today feel like tomorrow, so tomorrow will look like today.

America: Virile, sexy and fat.

America: So you don't have to.

America: Got your nose!

America: Where everyone can act like a dad.

America: Home of Lebron James

America: Like you don't already know.

America: More than you want, less than you need

Saturday, May 14, 2011

You can't make this up

From the New York Times' online front page:

"Baghdad has weathered invasion, occupation sectarian warfare and suicide bombers. But the latest scourge, tastelessness, may prove the toughest to overcome. "

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Series of One Act Historical Plays

Take the A Train

The Blues: My suffering is so great that expressing it is its only relief.
Jazz: I can help you transcend that suffering.
Rock and Roll: But his pain is the only American art form!
Hip Hop: Duck motherfuckers!
The American People: Thanks a lot, now I'm fucking bored.

MOMA Mo Problems

The Art World: There are two kinds of images: the crass, commercial image and the beautiful, high art image.
Pop Art: The only thing dividing them are the walls of the museum.
Street Art: But look what I wrote on the walls!
The Art World: Thanks for all the t-shirt ideas you two.
The American People: Sorry, what was that? I was in the bathroom.

Champagne Trail

The Democratic Party: Yes!
The Republican Party: Yes!
The Democratic Party: Yes!
The Republican Party: Yes!
The American People: On second thought, I'm not gonna vote this year.

What the World Needs Now

The Thirties: We need workers' rights!
The Sixties: We need human rights!
Social Science: We need more information.
Post-Structuralism: There is no such thing as need, or information. There is only more.
The American People: Are you guys hiring?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Oh giggle, tee hee, tee hee

Didn't have a gun?

Haha, hee hee, shoot him in the eyes, shoot him in the eyes, ooohohohoo, point blank through the eyes, yes, get him.

Teehee, taha, oh my, oh yes. Don't rationalize your celebration, beautiful executioners, please don't, so real, so erotic, your joy. No no no, laugh along: he was unarmed, oh my, oh me, Christmas early and often.

Yes yes yes, we kill our enemies, we kill 'em dead, armed or sick, tee hee, glory, strength, beauty, tee hee.

How brave a nation! Ten years to find a man, a man in the suburbs on dialysis, to shoot him in the face, celebrate in the streets.

Shot in the face! Shot in the face! Unarmed brown man shot in the face!

I love the way they handle their weapons in the field. One good killin, oh ho, one good killin's all we need, oh yes, one good one, yes sir, because a million mediocre dead ain't shit til you got one good one.

Put that damn camel-fucker beard on a pike, let's march through the streets and lust after everything, let's rape our way through the fucking phonebook, let's mingle our blood and our laughter so that fucking infidel, that garbage narcissist, Osama bin Laden, that little fleck of dog excrement on the boot of history, watching up from Hell, let's fucking show him now he won, that stupid evil nothing of a motherfucker.

Let's make the devil shake his hand and say well done well done my boy.

Osama was a tartar build up, we flossed him out, but after a decade's rot why are we surprised to find our breath still stinks of corpses?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Death is the Only Erotics

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered outside the Reichstag, in Alexanderplatz and at the Nuremberg Rallying Grounds, waving Nazi flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler!” In Munich, crowds sang “Deutschland Uber Alles.” Throughout downtown Berlin, drivers honked horns deep into the night.