A Series of One Act Historical Plays

Take the A Train

The Blues: My suffering is so great that expressing it is its only relief.
Jazz: I can help you transcend that suffering.
Rock and Roll: But his pain is the only American art form!
Hip Hop: Duck motherfuckers!
The American People: Thanks a lot, now I'm fucking bored.


MOMA Mo Problems

The Art World: There are two kinds of images: the crass, commercial image and the beautiful, high art image.
Pop Art: The only thing dividing them are the walls of the museum.
Street Art: But look what I wrote on the walls!
The Art World: Thanks for all the t-shirt ideas you two.
The American People: Sorry, what was that? I was in the bathroom.


Champagne Trail

The Democratic Party: Yes!
The Republican Party: Yes!
The Democratic Party: Yes!
The Republican Party: Yes!
The American People: On second thought, I'm not gonna vote this year.


What the World Needs Now

The Thirties: We need workers' rights!
The Sixties: We need human rights!
Social Science: We need more information.
Post-Structuralism: There is no such thing as need, or information. There is only more.
The American People: Are you guys hiring?

Oh giggle, tee hee, tee hee

Didn't have a gun?

Haha, hee hee, shoot him in the eyes, shoot him in the eyes, ooohohohoo, point blank through the eyes, yes, get him.

Teehee, taha, oh my, oh yes. Don't rationalize your celebration, beautiful executioners, please don't, so real, so erotic, your joy. No no no, laugh along: he was unarmed, oh my, oh me, Christmas early and often.

Yes yes yes, we kill our enemies, we kill 'em dead, armed or sick, tee hee, glory, strength, beauty, tee hee.

How brave a nation! Ten years to find a man, a man in the suburbs on dialysis, to shoot him in the face, celebrate in the streets.

Shot in the face! Shot in the face! Unarmed brown man shot in the face!

I love the way they handle their weapons in the field. One good killin, oh ho, one good killin's all we need, oh yes, one good one, yes sir, because a million mediocre dead ain't shit til you got one good one.

Put that damn camel-fucker beard on a pike, let's march through the streets and lust after everything, let's rape our way through the fucking phonebook, let's mingle our blood and our laughter so that fucking infidel, that garbage narcissist, Osama bin Laden, that little fleck of dog excrement on the boot of history, watching up from Hell, let's fucking show him now he won, that stupid evil nothing of a motherfucker.

Let's make the devil shake his hand and say well done well done my boy.

Osama was a tartar build up, we flossed him out, but after a decade's rot why are we surprised to find our breath still stinks of corpses?

Death is the Only Erotics

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered outside the Reichstag, in Alexanderplatz and at the Nuremberg Rallying Grounds, waving Nazi flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler!” In Munich, crowds sang “Deutschland Uber Alles.” Throughout downtown Berlin, drivers honked horns deep into the night.

Alright, I agree

That last post was a little premature

Free Egypt, Free Palestine, Free Power

How long did it take? How long after US and IDF backed strongman Mubarak fell before Fatah and Hamas could meet in Cairo and agree on a coalition Palestinian government? One month, sixteen days.

The causes for the rupture are complex, but the sudden end to the bitter four year split has left commentators grasping at straws. Within 24 hours a media narrative will emerge giving credit to the Egyptian military, or the Israeli blockade, or some other pseudo-Machiavellian great leader narrative that gives credit back to the West. Already Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, Marwan Bishara, has stated that Fatah losing Mubarak and Hamas seeing instability in Damascus is the cause.

In other words, fear of Israel. Which makes sense, because fear of Israel has certainly kept Palestinian political leaders in line in the past.

Sorry fuckers, turns out that the emergence of new regimes, brought about by actual revolutions of the people, rupture dominant power relations in the direction of peace, unity, and political strength for the oppressed.

Democratic revolution in Egypt has already meant an end to a seemingly intractable stalemate in the most seemingly intractable political catastrophe in the globe. So fuck what you hear about fear of Israel, and notice that a free Cairo solved in one month what Mubarak, Al-Assad, Bush, Obama, Netenyahu, Sharon, Olmert, Abbas, Abdullah, Ahmedinejad, and all those other slimy shits couldn't budge in four years.

L'avventura

Die Bourgeois Pig

"We went right away to the hospital, and he showed me the baby. That was very moving. I'm a big baby fan. Then we went back to the studio and started discussing public sculpture and what would make sense for New York City. An art historian was with us. An auction of the Yves Saint Laurent estate was taking place at around the same time at Christie's in Paris. The zodiac clock had been installed in the Old Summer Palace, in Beijing, which was looted by the French and British in 1860. Two of the animal heads eventually wound up with Saint Laurent. Since these had been stolen, there was a huge controversy. Anyway, as we sat in the studio, Weiwei had his 'Aha!' moment. He would create full-size bronze derivations of all twelve of the animal heads."  -New Yorker




-Charlie Rose and Jonathan Waxman, edited for your pleasure

Pop Quiz!

1. Which cliché best describes Republican political philosophy?

A) The squeaky wheel gets the grease
B) One in the hand is worth two in the bush
C) A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
D) If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen


2. The current state of the Democratic party is best described by the title of which Tennessee Williams play?

A) The Glass Menagerie
B) A Streetcar Named Desire
C) Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
D) Suddenly, Last Summer


3. If Rand Paul were a seventies guitar solo, he would be:

A) The bridge from Pat Benatar's Hit Me With Your Best Shot
B) The lead electric from Boston's Long Time
C) The acoustic opening of Heart's Crazy on You
D) The third act of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody


4. Which famous movie quote best describes the odds of Donald Trump running for president in 2012?

A) "Show me the money!"
B) "Play it again, Sam."
C) "Hey you guuuys!"
D) "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."


5. Senators from the current caucus drink white wine while discussing  _______; IPA while discussing ________; and Scotch while discussing _________.

A) Drug sentencing; abortion; affirmative action
B) Outsourcing; the minimum wage; unions
C) Torture; Muslims; Libya
D) Pork; income tax; capital gains tax


6. Meetings between Obama's cabinet and the joint chiefs of staff most resemble an episode of:

A) 24
B) Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
C) Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job!
D) Wheel of Fortune


7. Mitt Romney's 2012 presidential bid will be modeled directly on which ad campaign?

A) McDonald's- "I'm Lovin' It"
B) Enzyte Natural Male Enhancement- "Bob"
C) Budweiser- "Clydesdales"
D) Apple- "I'm a Mac. I'm a PC."


8. Which city most reflects the true nature of American power?

A) Bagdhad, Iraq
B) Celebration, Florida
C) Havana, Cuba
D) Dubai, United Arab Emirates


9. Obama's 2012 State of the Union address will most resemble which Shakespeare monologue?

A) Lady MacBeth- "Out, out damn spot"
B) Shylock - "If you prick us, do we not bleed?"
C) Prospero- "My charms are all o'erthrown"
D) Richard III- "My conscience hath a thousand several tongues"


10. Bonus Mix and Match Round: Match the American political figure with the trio of Biography Writer/Biopic Director/Theme Song Performer they most deserve

1. Michael Bloomberg      A. Camille Paglia/David Cronenberg/Lady Gaga
2. Hillary Clinton              B. Ayn Rand/Zach Snyder/Kid Rock
3. Barney Frank                C. Thomas Friedman/Paul Haggis/The Eagles
4. Barack Obama              D. Bob Woodward/Oliver Stone/Sarah McLachlan
5. Sarah Palin                    E. David Sedaris/Gus Van-Sant/Tom Waits
6. Rand Paul                      F. David Brooks/Nancy Myers/Jay-Z
7. Mitt Romney                 G. Upton Sinclair/Frank Capra/Slayer
8. Scott Walker                  H. Henry Louis Gates Jr/Steven Sodebergh/Mos Def            

Shameless Self Promotion

My little (hahaha, little) blog post below titled "The Values of Secrecy in the Era of Excessive Sharing" has been severely edited (thank goodness) and now appears at The New Inquiry

Last Night I Watched Death Race 2000

And You Should Too